JUSTIFICATION

Wife:_ "_Two_ bottles of ginger ale, dear?"
_He:_ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our
wedding-day?"
* * *
_First Flapper:_ "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I
hadn't paid any fare."
_Second Flapper:_ "And what did you do?"
_First Flapper:_ "I just glared back at him--as if I had!"
* * *
_Mollie_ (_who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"_): "Oh,
Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack--_anywhere you
like_."
_Lady_ (_to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog_): "And if
you find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of
pain?--and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary
patient."
* * *
_Governess:_ "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"
_Mollie:_ "Sugar and spice and all that's nice."
_Governess:_ "And what are little boys made of?"
_Mollie:_ "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie that
yesterday, and he could _hardly_ believe it."
* * *
"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"
"Of course. Why ask?"
"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing."
* * *
_Irate Parent:_ "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter
good-night, did it ever dawn upon you--"
_The Suitor:_ "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."
* * *
_Wife:_ "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's so
absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his
stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa!
Who is it speaking?'"
* * *
_Mrs. Goodheart:_ "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with
your cast-off clothing?"
_Mr. Hardup:_ "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them
on again in the morning."
* * *
"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you
lost?"
"No," was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like to
know where father and mother have wandered to."
* * *
_Helen's elder sister:_ "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."
_Helen:_ "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one--it would be so horrid
when it twinkled."
* * *
"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"
"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"
"Yus--if she don't get it."
* * *
_Child:_ "Mother, I _have_ been good to-day--so patient with Nurse."
* * *
The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils
listened with respectful attention until he came to his final
instruction.
"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain
cool."
* * *
_Wife:_ "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of
buying for yourself."
_Husband_ (_as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks_): "Yes,
dear, and you have succeeded."
* * *
_Podger_ (_to new acquaintance_): "I wonder if that fat old girl is
really trying to flirt with me?"
_Cooler:_ "I can easily find out by asking her--she is my wife."
* * *
_Young Husband:_ "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong
with this cake."
_The Bride_ (_smiling triumphantly_): "That shows what you know about
it. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious."
* * *
_Wife_ (_referring to guest_): "He's a most attractive man; is he
married?"
_Husband:_ "I dunno. He's a reserved chap--keeps all his troubles to
himself!"
* * *
Questioning a class, an inspector asked:
"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday,' would that be
right?"
"No, sir," was the reply.
"And why not?"
"Please, sir, because you wasn't."
* * *
_Salesman:_ "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is
fool-proof."
_Sweet Thing_ (_placidly_): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you
don't know my husband."
* * *
_The Stage Manager:_ "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain."
_The New Hand:_ "Wot yer talkin' about--'run up the curtain'--think I'm
a bloomin' squirrel?"
* * *
_Old Gentleman_ (_to new gardener_): "Why do you always pull your barrow
instead of pushing it?"
_The Gardener:_ "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing."
* * *
"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"
"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."
"But it's _pouring_! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in such
weather."
* * *
_Lady_ (_who has purchased a ready-made dress_): "Tiresome this dress
is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up."
_Cook_ (_acting as lady's-maid_): "Yes'm, they do. That's why I wouldn't
have it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day."